


The one where Jane finally gets her head out of her ass

by AOBZ



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Friends to Girlfriends, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Meddling mothers, Running away from your problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-13 06:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7966516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOBZ/pseuds/AOBZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane tried to tell herself to calm down, but she couldn't. She couldn't do this. The truth was too close. Her mother got too close. Too close to a truth, a secret, buried so deep within Jane that even she could pretend it didn't exist. So she ran. She ran as hard as she could, furthering herself from the memories, from the feelings, from the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first written fic with this couple. I've had countless "mind fics" with these two and wanted to finally put something down in writing. I hope you enjoy it :) It's going to be very short (maybe 1 or 2 more chapters) since it's my first dabble with these two. We'll see if I manage to come up with anything else worth sharing.
> 
> Don't own anything.

Jane shifted on the couch, slipping her arm out from under Maura and resting it on the sleeping woman’s back. She turned her head and looked at the clock, noting it had been two hours since they’d first lied on the couch to take a nap. Her back was getting sore, but there was no way she was going to get up, not when Maura was _finally_ sleeping. Ever since Jane had been taken hostage last week, Maura hadn’t been able to sleep. She’d been consumed with worry, scared that something would happen to her best friend. Even after they’d nabbed the guy (who had been responsible for the death of three city workers), Maura continued to be plagued with nightmares, her normally manageable anxiety fuelling her terrible dreams. The only thing that calmed her was when Jane was around, and more specifically, when Maura could touch her. So Jane had started sleeping over, staying with Maura in the master bedroom, and they’d both been sleeping well.

Unfortunately, Jane had been scheduled for a three-day training session in Maine (booked nearly six months ago), which meant Maura had spent three days getting barely any sleep. When Jane had returned early this morning and saw just how exhausted her poor friend looked, she forced Maura to call in (not as easy feat) and Jane had taken a vacation day. She’d been home a total of three hours, and two of them had been spent with Maura safely tucked into her side, face finally free of the worried frown that seemed permanently etched on her face this past week.

Jane would probably still be napping had she not heard the sound of her mother slowly opening the back door as she attempted to slip inside the house. She knew it was her mother not only by the fact that the woman was unable to do _anything_ quietly, but also because of the very unquiet _damn it_ that followed the woman accidentally kicking her foot into the bottom of the door. Jane let out a very low, very irritated grumble, whispering a soft “shh” when Maura stirred. She wanted nothing more than to snap at her mother to get the hell out, but there was no way to do so discreetly with Maura peacefully dozing in her arms. It was not worth the possibility of waking her sleeping friend, so Jane closed her eyes and attempted to quell her anger, while simultaneously cursing her mother in her mind. She heard the woman rummaging around in the kitchen, relatively quietly for Angela Rizzoli, before the noise stopped. She then sensed her mother approaching, so she did her best to feign sleep, not wanting the woman to engage her in a “whispered” question-and-answer session about how the training went.

Angela tip-toed around the couch, her breath catching at the sight of the two most important women in her life curled up on the couch together. She felt a bubble of love grow inside of her as she observed the two hard-working women sleeping peacefully. It was so rare to see them resting, without a worry line creasing the corner of their lips or a concerned look worn by one (or both) of them. Maura finally looked calm after days of frowned eyebrows, distracted conversation, fleeting glances to the door. She had been permanently glued to her phone, only feeling a few moments of relief after receiving a message from Jane. And Angela knew it was Jane. Only her daughter caused that warm smile to grace Maura’s lips. Only her daughter caused the socially anxious woman to feel safe enough to open up and be herself, allow herself to give a real, genuine smile.

Angela reached to the back of the couch and carefully picked up the blanket draped there. She opened it and gently lay in on the two women, unable to hide the smile on her lips as she noticed just how securely Jane was holding Maura. Jane, her anti-hug, anti-touch, anti-anything-physical child, snuggly wrapped around her “best friend”.

Angela couldn’t help the snort.

“Yeah, _best friend_ ,” she whispered to herself, sweeping Jane’s bangs from her eyes. “There’s nothing friendly about the way you look at her, baby. I only wish you’d get your head outta your butt long enough to realise what a great woman you have wrapped up in those arms of yours.”

She leaned down and kissed Jane’s forehead before doing the same to Maura.

“She worries about you night and day, Janie. Because she loves you. And you’re never gonna find anyone better than Maura. Probably because there isn’t anyone better. I just want you to be happy, honey. I hope one day you stop being so scared and let yourself love her the way she deserves to be loved. She can’t wait for you forever.”

Angela adjusted the blanket again, giving her two girls one last loving look before grabbing the mixing bowls she’d come in for and slipping out of the house.

***

Jane glanced at the clock. Twenty minutes. It had been twenty minutes since her mother had left and her heart and her mind were still competing to see who could be the loudest, work the fastest. No matter how much she tried to calm down, no matter how many breathing techniques she used, she could not stop the absolute chaos reigning over her body. Her mind refused to stop playing her mother’s words over and over again and her heart refused to slow down at the absolute truth in them. She couldn’t catch her breath. She needed to get out of here. She needed to flee.

Jane glanced down at the woman in her arms, the absolutely innocent, worried creature curled into her body. She tried to will her body and her mind to relax, but they wouldn’t. They couldn’t, not after a lifetime of being ingrained to _run_ when this type of subject was broached. They were hardwired to flee.

Jane tried to tell herself to calm down, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do this. The truth was too close. Her mother got too close. Too close to a truth, a secret, buried so deep within Jane that even she could pretend it didn’t exist. But those words… _There’s nothing friendly about the way you look at her, baby... she loves you… I just want you to be happy_. Those words wouldn’t leave her alone; they wouldn’t stop playing in her head like a broken record. Those words were a truth. An accusation.

Jane nearly yelped as she squirmed away from Maura, away from her mother’s words, away from her own dirty secret. She held perfectly still as Maura shifted, frowned, and then finally settling into a new position. As soon as she was sure the woman was sleeping deeply once again, Jane bolted. She took the stairs two at a time and jerked open the door to her room. She refused to think about just how many of her clothes were here, how many of her things decorated this room, _her room_. She refused to acknowledge that she now thought of home as Maura’s house and her apartment as… well, as the apartment. She couldn’t think of those things because they caused her heart to beat even faster than it was, so she silenced the voices, instead narrating her actions as she moved.

 _Rip off the shirt. Find the sports bra. Where is the sports bra? Maura washed it while I was away- it’ll be hanging on the clothes rack_.

Jane jogged to the spare room and threw on her sports bra before running back to her room and putting on the rest of her running clothes. She raced down the steps and quickly tied on her shoes, jerking open the door. She was halfway out when she immediately stopped in her tracks. She had caught a glimpse of the small toes poking over the edge of the couch. Maura. If she left and Maura woke up, she’d worry. She’d worry something had happened.

Jane clenched her fist over the doorknob before angrily making her way into the kitchen. She was irritated. She needed to get out of here. She yanked a notepad out of the junk drawer, along with a pen, a scribbled a hasty note. She then placed the pad on the coffee table, right in Maura’s line of sight. She paused as she set the pad of paper down, unable to stop herself from looking over the woman sleeping so peacefully before her. She looked so tired, so worn down, but God damn it she was just as beautiful as always. Jane’s heart raced for an entirely different reason as she looked over the sleeping form, and when she realised what she was doing, she hastily broke her gaze and bolted from the room.

Jane ran. She ran as hard as she could, furthering herself from the memories, from the feelings, from the truth. She ran away from the memory of Miss Bartley, who had caused six year old Jane to flitter with excitement every time she gave her a hug. She ran from thoughts of Kelly Larch, who had caused ten year old Jane to flush a deep shade of red whenever she smiled her way. She pounded the pavement with every step, launching herself forward as she thought of Allie Lytle, with whom she’d shared her first, secret kiss. She’d been thirteen years old, and that was when she’d learnt just how cruel the world was. She’d fought hard against the names when her classmates had found out. Allie had been spared any taunting, the cute blonde in summer dresses couldn’t be a lesbian. But Jane, who lived in jeans and band t-shirts, who was on the boys’ wrestling team, who could throw a better punch than any guy in her grade, well, she was not safe from their taunting words. And when her parents had sat her down and questioned her, _interrogated her_ , that was when Jane had decided she had to be different. She could see the disappointment in their faces, the shame. The shame they felt at what she might be, and so she’d changed. Yes, she still played sports and hung around with the guys, yes she still beat the shit out of anyone who dared taunt her, but teenage Jane also made herself do things to please her parents. She forced herself into a dress for prom, even though it felt too tight, too itchy. Even though it felt wrong. She made female friends, even though she longed to be with the guys, skateboarding and teasing each other and playing basketball. She kept a delicate balance in her adult life as well, allowing herself certain pleasures (like sports and beer and mostly male friends), and denying herself others. To keep up appearances. To keep up the charade.  

Everything had to be balanced, and so when she’d become a cop, she’d had to quickly balance that more masculine career by being more feminine in her personal life. She’d grown out her hair, bought a few blouses, started dating guys. It hadn’t been easy to date them. She’d had to force herself to focus on the things she liked about them in order to try and make it work. It wasn’t that hard to find things she liked. She’d always had a ton of stuff in common with men. There was no drama, no tears, no hurt feelings if she said something brash. They were easy to please. They gave her space. They never pressured her to put a label on anything. But… they wanted sex. They wanted intimacy. They wanted touching. And Jane, Jane didn’t. She didn’t like them on top of her. She didn’t like them _inside_ of her. She didn’t like them touching her, putting their mouths on her. She didn’t like it when men touched her. Their hands were rough, their bodies all wrong for hers. She loathed every second of every intimate encounter she’d had with her old boyfriends.

Jane clenched her teeth as she forced those thoughts from her mind, pushing herself to run even faster as waves of disgust rolled over her body. She didn’t hate men. She didn’t. She liked them, she got along well with them. But she didn’t want them anywhere near her body or her bed. And so after she’d gotten comfortable at the BPD, after she’d found a good circle of friends, after she’d earned her colleagues’ respect, she dropped out of dating. She stayed single, only occasionally waving a guy around to stave of rumours. And she’d been comfortable, content.

Then, she’d met Maura.

Jane shook her head. She wasn’t going to go there. She wasn’t going to think about her best friend. She added another mental padlock on the securely closed door, one which she never _ever_ opened. She continued running, focusing on the trail ahead of her, on the trees she passed, on the families out for a walk. Moms and dads and kids. _Normal_ families. Real ones. Not pretend ones that lived in the darkest recesses of Jane’s mind, ones that involved a very, very pretty honey blonde woman in a tight blue dress, holding hands with a slim brunette, surrounded by three or four energetic children. 

No.

She wouldn’t go there. Because she couldn’t. She couldn’t go there. Only, she wanted to. And it was getting so much harder. It was getting so much harder to pretend that she was happy, that she was okay with just being Maura’s friend. It was getting so much harder to hide how she felt. How she’d always felt. It was getting harder to hide the true nature of her feelings for women as a whole with each passing day, with each year that went by. It was getting harder to deny what she truly wanted.

This week had messed with her, with her heart and her head. This past week, other than the three days she’d spent in Maine, she’d come home every night with Maura. They’d made and eaten supper together, they’d talked about their day, she’d watched ESPN while Maura read a medical journal, both cuddled on the couch. They’d fallen asleep next to one another. Maura had made her breakfast and Jane had driven them into work. Nothing had really changed, other than they had spent more time together, and yet for Jane, everything had changed. Suddenly, she was looking forward to going home. She was sleeping better. She was happier. She was eating healthily, and she found she didn’t mind because Maura was the one feeding her. And she was a phenomenal cook. This week, Jane had been given a glimpse into what life would be like with Maura… and when she stopped to think about it, when she allowed herself just a fraction of a second to think about it… she realised she really wanted-

Jane cried out as pain sliced into her side. She was immediately brought to a halt, gripping her side as she attempted to breathe through the sheer burning pain radiating just below her rib. Gone were thoughts of Maura, replaced with an incredible stabbing sensation in her side. She walked, gulping in breaths of air as she dug her fingers against the ache. She took a deep breath and moved, continued running, as she fought against the tears of pain welling up in her eyes. She could handle physical pain. She was strong. She had endured. She had overcome every type of physical pain, including getting shot. She could work through physical pain. What she couldn’t work through was that she was slowly coming to acknowledge that her whole life… had been a lie. It had revolved around one whole, big lie that she’d told herself and absolutely everyone else around her.  

Jane jogged along as tears burned in her eyes. She knew she should stop. She knew she couldn’t keep running. She knew that at some point, she needed to face this. But how? How could she? When she’d denied herself so many things to keep this lie going. When she’d faked so many relationships, so many truths, when she’d sacrificed so much just to keep up appearances. How could she suddenly let that go and tell everyone what she’d done? She’d be ridiculed. She’d be a laughing stock. She’d be hurled _I told you so_ s and _I knew it_ s and _she **is**_ _dyke cop_.

But it was the truth. She was. She was a- a dyke cop.

And with that, the whimper that Jane had so carefully kept clamped down finally escaped. She collapsed against a tree in a secluded part of the park, falling to her knees, curling down into herself, and sobbed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end... for now. Not sure what I could or would add to this. I considered doing a smutty final chapter because who doesn't love those, but we'll see. Hope you guys enjoy this anyway :)

When she was finally able to calm down enough to breathe properly, Jane walked over to the lake in the park and sat at the edge, looking out at the water. She took deep breaths, willing the tears still streaming down her cheeks to stop. She was exhausted. Emotionally and physically. She was tired of running. She was tired of hiding. She was tired of denying what she’d been feeling for her entire life. She was tired of pretending, tired of crushing down any hint of what she truly wanted, of how she truly felt.

Jane drew her knees up and rested her forehead against them, looking down at her lap. She closed her eyes, for once in her life allowing herself to very gently open the formerly locked, dead-bolted, welded shut door that blocked very secret thoughts about Maura Isles.

Maura, with her gorgeous hair, flawless skin, caring eyes, soft lips, slender throat, phenomenal cleavage, sexy figure, amazing legs, and her adorable toes. Maura, who was almost intimidatingly intelligent, incredibly interesting (most of the time), unbelievably funny, who was quirky and cute and wonderful. Who understood Jane unlike anyone else, who could read her like a book, with whom Jane could have entire conversations with just a simple look. Maura, who would do anything for Jane… who _loved_ her.

Jane lifted her head and once again looked out at the lake. She wished Maura were here with her now. She always wished Maura were with her when she wasn’t around. She missed Maura when she wasn’t nearby. She missed her in a way she’d never missed anyone, but then, she’d never loved anyone the way she loved Maura Isles. She loved everything about her, everything that she was. She’d never found anyone to whom she felt so drawn and with whom she felt so incredibly safe. Whenever Jane felt sad, felt scared, felt lonely, she wanted Maura. And right now, she _craved_ her. She craved her because she knew that only Maura would be able to soothe her pain, her fears, her worries. She wanted Maura’s comforting voice and embrace. She wanted Maura.

God, she wanted Maura.

She wanted her around all the time. She wanted to wake up every morning to the smell of waffles and bacon- just as she had this past week. She wanted to argue with Maura every morning about what type of shoes were appropriate for the M.E. to wear to work. She wanted to drive her every single morning to work. She wanted to come home together like they had been this past week. She wanted to share stories about their day as they cooked, ate, and cleaned together. She wanted to curl up on the couch with her. She wanted to hold Maura when the beautiful woman was scared. She wanted to wipe her tears away when she was sad. She wanted to rip apart anyone who threatened her safety. She wanted to protect her. She wanted to love her.

She wanted to love her.

Fresh tears fell, her shoulders shaking as Jane tried to stave off this new wave of anguish. She wanted to be able to love Maura freely. She wanted to hold her hand and kiss her lips and stroke her cheeks. She wanted to pull her into a hug and hold her close. She wanted to be able to touch Maura, without feeling like she needed a reason. She wanted to… she wanted to _show_ her just how much she loved her.

Jane wiped at her eyes, focusing on the lake rather than her thoughts. It was so calm, so peaceful. She stared so intently that she didn’t notice anyone getting close to her.

“Hi.”

She gasped loudly, her eyes darting to a blond little boy, who was now standing next to her.

“Hey, buddy. You scared me.”

He regarded her a moment.

“Why are you sad?”

Jane blinked, trying to work out an answer. Luckily, she was saved from responding by the woman racing up behind him.

“Johnathan!” the woman yelled as she approached. “I told you to stay where I could see you.”

The boy didn’t look bothered by her anger. He simply looked up at her, then back at Jane.

“She’s sad, mama.”

Jane, mortified, gave an embarrassed smile to the boy’s mother.

“Sorry,” the woman said, grabbing the boy’s hand, “I didn’t mean for him to bother you.”

“Nah, it’s all good. Take care, Johnathan.”

The boy looked up at his mother before letting go of her hand and wrapping his arms around Jane’s neck.

“Mama said hugs are good when you’re sad.”

Jane swallowed away the lump in her throat and nodded.

“Yeah,” she responded, clearing her throat, “your mama is right, buddy.”

She pulled away and smiled at him, willing away the tears that formed in her eyes.

“I feel much better. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome!”

He grinned brightly before walking off with his mother, who again apologised for disturbing her. Jane shook her head. No doubt the woman thought she was another whack job sitting alone and crying in a park, but it didn’t matter. She felt better, even if it was only slightly so, after Johnathan’s hug.

Jane sat for a long time, looking out at the water. Her mind was mercifully blank, save for the running loop of a smiling little boy playing over in her mind. Slowly the thoughts began creeping back, reminding her that she too wanted a little boy just like Johnathan, only with hazel eyes, and with dimples. Like Maura. She wanted a few kids, not just one. She wanted them to have Maura’s intelligence, Jane’s speed and stamina for sports, and Maura’s calm demeanour. She wanted to live in Maura’s house, in _their_ house, with her, with their kids. But to have those things… to have those things she needed to change. She needed to do something. She couldn’t continue allowing things to be as they were. She needed to face her fears.

Jane reached out and grabbed a rock, flipping it over several times in her hand before chucking it as hard as she could into the water. She watched as the stone sank, creating a wave of ripples on the surface before the water once again stilled. She knew she needed to be brave. She needed to… she needed to confront what she’d been running from her whole life. She owed it to herself. She owed it to Maura, who had been waiting for her for… for years. Her mother was right. Maura wouldn’t wait around forever. She couldn’t.

So what if Jane was a dyke cop? So what if she liked women and sports and beer and pantsuits? So what if she was kind of butchy? Did running away, hiding, lying, fighting against the rumours, did it ultimately change who she was? She’d been running her whole life from this, and yet it still came back to haunt her. She knew deep down she could never truly run away from this. And she was so tired of running.

Was she scared? Yes. Jane was terrified. But she’d been plenty terrified before and she’d- she’d survived. Especially now that she had Maura, she felt able to survive and deal with what would come from this. From the backlash. She hoped she could deal with it anyway. She was scared to lose her mom, her brothers. She was scared of what would happen at work. But maybe, maybe if she had Maura, she could do it. But what if Maura didn’t want her?

Jane shook her head. She knew Maura wanted her. She knew it in the way the woman looked at her, held her, took care of her. The way that Maura let her see parts of herself that she hid from the world, in the same way that Jane showed her those secrets parts of herself too. She knew Maura wasn’t the problem. The problem was Jane. Jane and her fears, her rules- her own secret rules she had for herself, that had governed her life for the last thirty years. The problem was, those rules were driven by fear, and Jane… she wasn’t as scared anymore. She felt brave. Maura, Maura made her feel brave.

So, she had a choice to make. She could continue running. She could continue running and hiding and denying the truth. She could continue letting her fear rule her life. But she’d had enough. She’d had enough of being controlled by fear. She was sick of being scared. Hoyt was dead. Maura was here. Maura loved her.

And Jane, she…

“I-”

Jane closed her eyes. She closed her eyes and she thought of Maura. And a smile formed on her lips.

“I love you, Maura Isles.”

That was it. She had said it. Well, whispered it. But she had said it nonetheless and it wasn’t that hard. It wasn’t that scary.

“I love you, Maura.”

And this time, her voice didn’t crack. This time, she could hear her smile. Jane shot up. She was far from home. Really far.

Home.

Home with Maura. Who was probably waiting for her, worried.

“Fuck.”

Jane immediately started running, relieved to note that the pain in her side had disappeared. She ran back through the trails, through the streets, through the alleys and under the bridges and through the parks that had brought her so far from the woman she loved.

Another smile. She loved Maura.

Jane ran through the streets of Boston, refusing to slow down. She had wasted so much time. She had wasted so much time being scared and being alone and worrying about what everyone would think. Why had she wasted her whole fucking life caring about what the world would think? But she had been scared, and she finally _finally_ wasn’t scared anymore. She was happy. Excited. She ran with a smile on her face, determined to get back to Maura as fast as she could. She would tell her. She would tell Maura. And she’d tell her ma. And she’d tell the rest of the world to go fuck itself if they had a problem.

But when she finally got to Maura’s street, she could feel her adrenaline slowing, the all too familiar worry and fear slowly creeping up inside of her the closer she got to Maura’s house. By the time she was standing on her doorstep, Jane felt like she was going to be sick. She had felt so high earlier, but now, faced with the truth… now she was downright terrified.

She took a deep breath and opened the door, hoping Maura would still be asleep. It would buy her some time to work up her courage. But, she should have known better. Her luck was not that good.

“Jane! Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick! You’ve been gone for hours!”

Jane opened her mouth. She was going to say something. She was. But then she glanced over and saw her mother, and her bravado failed. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t disappoint her mother. She’d hurt her enough in her life already.

“I went for a run. I’m going to shower.”

She didn’t explain any further. She simply ran from the room, ran from Maura’s worried cry of her name. She immediately stripped upon entering the bathroom, turned on the hot water, and got inside the shower. Her eyes burned from having cried so much already, but she couldn’t stop the new tears. This time, they were of shame. Shame for once again running away. Shame for thinking she could be brave. She wasn’t brave. She was a coward. Maura deserved better. She deserved better than this.

Jane stayed in the shower until the water ran cold, only reluctantly getting out when she started shivering. She had forgotten to grab a towel, so she had no choice but to drip water all over Maura’s bathroom floor. She walked to the linen closet at the other end of the bathroom and grabbed a towel. She dried off quickly, then dropped it to the floor and mopped up the mess she’d made. To buy herself extra time, she decided to blow dry her hair and only once it was completely dry and she had no other reason to stay in the bathroom did she finally emerge, wrapped in a fresh towel.

Jane walked over to her room and changed into a pair of sweatpants, a bra, and a t-shirt. She sat on the bed for a long time, looking down at the floor. She’d been so certain earlier. So sure she could do this, so sure she could be brave. She’d been so sure she could tell the truth. But now, faced with Maura and her ma… all semblance of courage had disappeared. She’d been living a lie for so long. It was safe, hiding in her web of lies. It was all she’d ever known.

A soft knock on the door ripped Jane from her thoughts. She looked up at Maura, whose worry face was back in full force. Jane felt a pang of guilt. She hated when Maura wore that face, especially when it was because of her.

“Hey.”

Her voice sounded gravelly even to her own ears.

“Hello,” Maura said softly. “May I come in?”

“It’s your house,” she responded with a shrug.

“It’s your room, Jane.”

Jane regarded Maura carefully before scooting over on the bed. Maura took the invitation and sat down next to her, giving her a warm smile. God that smile. It almost hurt, it was so beautiful.

“What happened, Jane? I was so worried.”

Gone was the accusatory voice, the panic from earlier. All that was left was worry. Jane looked down guiltily.

“I left you a note.”

“Yes, but all it said was ‘Gone out. Be back soon.’ You left that note over three hours ago. I didn’t know what happened. You didn’t answer your phone. I thought-”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. Will you please tell me what happened?”  

Jane looked up at Maura and then looked away again. She was silent for a long time. She was quiet for so long, Maura wasn’t sure Jane was even going to answer her. She did eventually, but her response confused Maura.

“Do you love me?”

“What? Of course I love you, Jane. You’re my best friend. You mean the world to me and-”

“No, Maura,” Jane cut her off, looking over at her, “do you _love_ me?”

“I-” Maura faltered. She could tell Jane was upset. She wasn’t sure why she was asking her this, why all of a sudden she was confronting her. Was she finally ready to talk about the thing they both knew existed but never addressed? Or… or had she been thinking about it and had Jane decided… had she decided she was disgusted at the idea? What would happen if Maura told her the truth? If she said it out loud?

Jane could see the panic in Maura’s eyes, so she reached over and squeezed her hand.

“Please, Maura. Just answer the question.”

“I… Yes, Jane,” she responded, barely above a whisper, “I love you very much. But, you already know that.”

Jane looked away, her hand still holding Maura’s. Silence reigned over the room as each woman struggled with the quiet confession.

“I don’t know if I’m brave enough to do this.”

Maura’s heart broke. She looked over at Jane, who was now biting hard on her lower lip. She’d been waiting for Jane to be ready. She knew how the woman felt. She knew from the way Jane looked at her, from the way she treated her. She knew Jane loved her too, but she’d never once broached the subject. Not once. Jane was acknowledging it now, even if she was saying she was scared. Was this a good thing? Maura felt a glimmer of hope grow inside of her, but she immediately snuffed it out. Hope led to hurt and disappointment, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to survive this kind of pain. Jane was her whole life. She couldn’t handle losing her. It was why she’d given her space. Why she’d never pushed. Why she’d been so patient even though it hurt.

“I don’t know if I can tell the world, Maura. I… I know how I feel,” she said, locking eyes with the woman next to her, “but I don’t know if I can- I was so sure earlier. But now, now I’m just scared.”

“It’s okay to be scared, Jane. I’m scared too.”

Maura wasn’t scared for the exact same reasons as Jane, but she was still scared. But the desire for more far outweighed her fear.

“I want-” Jane’s voice cracked. She cleared her throat and tried again. “Deep down, I know what I want. But, I don’t know if I can tell everyone. I don’t know… I thought I could. But now, now I don’t know. I don’t know if I can tell people about me, about us- if we ever became an ‘us’. I don’t know if I can handle that. Handle them.”

Maura nodded. She understood. She did. But she couldn’t help but feel a little bit hurt too. Was Jane ashamed of the idea of being with her?

“I won’t pressure you into anything, Jane. If you need time-”

“You’ve given me enough time, Maura. You’ve given me so much time.”

“And I can give you more. I don’t need you to make a decision this very minute.”

“Okay,” Jane said softly. “Thank you. I think I might need more time, you know, to get used to the idea of people knowing I’m… that I…”

Maura squeezed her hand in support as Jane trailed off, but she couldn’t bring herself to look up at her. The idea that Jane might be ashamed to be with her tormented her.

Maura had had childhood friends who were only her friend outside of school, away from the other children. Her very first friend, Lily, had confessed that she could only be Maura’s friend if they kept it a secret. They’d had sleepovers and playdates. They saw each other frequently, but never outside of Maura’s or Lily’s home and never at school. Maura had loved being with Lily. _Finally,_ she’d had a friend, so she’d gone along with Lily’s rules. But when the other children had found out Lily had slept at Maura’s house one weekend, Lily had vehemently denied it and she’d never heard from her again. Unfortunately, Lily hadn’t been the first one to be friends with her in secret. And Maura, desperate for acceptance and companionship, had allowed these girls to call the shots in their “friendships”. They often asked her to “just be normal” when they went out in public or met up with other people, and she’d altered herself to be like them, to gain their acceptance. Other times, she simply stayed in the background, or at home, in order to please the people around her. Maura’s life had been wrought with these same types of situations, where she was made to hide parts of herself to please others. But, she couldn’t do it anymore.

“Maura? What’s going on in that big head of yours?”

Maura shook her head, pulling her chin away from Jane’s fingers when she attempted to make her look her way.

“Please tell me?”

Maura took a deep breath, pushing away thoughts of her parents, of Lily, of all the people who had asked her to be different. Who had asked her to keep quiet, who had wanted to hide the fact that they were with Maura in any capacity.

She took a few deep breaths before looking up at Jane.

“I can give you space, Jane. I can give you time. I will support you in any way that I can. I cannot, however, if you choose to pursue a- a relationship with me, I cannot keep it secret. I will not deny our relationship, if we choose to have one.”

Jane nodded. That was fair enough.

“I won’t ask you to, Maura. I just- I don’t know if I can… if I can tell people. If we became something more, I don’t know if I could tell them. If I could tell people.”

“I understand.”

Maura hid behind her calm, neutral tone. She slipped from the bed and stood.

“I will never ask you for more than you can give, Jane. However, I cannot agree to a relationship if you are unable to tell others. I will not be anyone’s secret. Not anymore. I deserve to be with someone who is proud of me and who is proud to be with me. I will not be your dirty secret. If you are too ashamed, too frightened to tell others… Perhaps you do need time. I will wait for as long as you need in order for you to become comfortable with the idea of telling others that we are in a relationship. But until then, we will remain as we are: friends, and nothing more.”

Maura walked away, her heart clenched with pain. She tried not to equate what Jane was feeling, what she was saying, with what had happened to her in the past. Jane was not those people, but Maura was once again facing a situation where she could have something she wanted, if only she kept it secret. If only she didn’t tell other people.

She knew Jane was struggling. She had made a great deal of progress today. She would get there, Maura told herself. Jane was brave. She would get to a place where she could be honest with others. She wouldn’t force Maura to keep quiet. She wouldn’t force Maura to hide, to pretend. She wouldn’t.

Maura descended the stairs, intent on curling up on her couch alone in an effort to soothe the ache in her heart. She was so focused on getting to her destination that she’d nearly screamed when she noticed Angela at the island, having completely forgotten the woman was waiting for her downstairs.

“How did it go?”

At the concern in Angela’s voice, coupled with the loving look she gave her, Maura burst into tears. Angela immediately made her way over, and although Maura stiffened, the woman still pulled her into a hug. Maura appreciated the gesture, and took some comfort in it, but she still… she preferred not to be touched when she was upset. Not unless it was Jane. Jane. Jane who was ashamed to be with her. Just like everyone else.

Angela tightened her grip on Maura, who was now nearly bent in half as she sobbed. Angela wasn’t as strong as she used to be, but she still managed to hold Maura close. Eventually the woman’s muscles loosened and she returned Angela’s embrace, which made it much easier to hold her as she cried. Angela soothed Maura as best she could, all the while cursing her daughter for being such a jerk. Maura down here sobbing could only mean Jane had hurt her. How, she didn’t know. But it wouldn’t be the first time her brash at at-times-insensitive daughter had lashed out at and wounded the person who loved her so selflessly.

“I’m sorry, Maura. I’m sorry for whatever she said up there.”

Maura hiccoughed into Angela’s shoulder, shaking as she warded off another round of tears. She was thoroughly embarrassed that she’d lost it like this. What would her mother say?

Maura pulled back and straightened her clothing, brushing away her tears and hiding behind the mask she wore when she was upset.

“I’m sorry, Angela. I didn’t mean to be so emotional.”

She reached for a Kleenex and wiped her eyes, turning away to blow her nose. She tossed the used tissue into the garbage and turned back to Angela, giving her what she hoped was a convincing smile.

“You don’t apologise to me, sweetheart. The only one who needs to do any apologising around here is-”

“Me.”

Jane didn’t say anything more. In four long strides she was in front of Maura. She gripped her biceps and hauled her forward, kissing her soundly on the lips. Maura let out the tiniest of squeaks just before Jane crushed their lips together, her body going stiff as she was tugged towards the taller woman. It only took a second for her to melt into Jane’s arms, returning the fevered kiss.

Angela watched with shock as Jane approached Maura, and her shock turned into full blown joy when she finally embraced her. Angela had been waited for years for this to happen, for her daughter to finally work up the damn courage to go after what she wanted. Sure, at first it had been difficult to accept that Jane was clearly in love with her best friend, her _female_ best friend. But Maura wasn’t the first woman her daughter had fallen in love with. Angela had had a long time to accept what Jane had struggled with for so long, and she liked to think she was a progressive person, an accepting woman. And now she had a doctor in the family! No way Carla Talucci could compete with that. But best of all, she had _two_ women to give her grandbabies now!

Jane pulled away and cupped Maura’s jaw, locking eyes with her before she spoke.

“I am _so_ proud of you, Maura. And I would be so incredibly proud to be with you. I’m not ashamed of you. I could _never_ be ashamed of you. I’m sorry. I got scared. Again. But I’m tired of being a coward. I’m tired of being scared. It only took about a minute after you left to realise how fucking stupid I’m being. You’re beautiful, and brilliant, and funny, and kind, and you’re the best person I know. And you make me a better person. I know what I did upstairs, that wasn’t me showing you that. I’m sorry. I can be an asshole sometimes. And I can be stubborn and rude and mean. I try really hard not to be with you, but it happens. And I’m sorry. You’re gonna hear that a whole lot from me if we do this. And I’m sorry it took me so long to admit this to myself. I’m sorry I lied to you about how I felt. I’m sorry I lied to everyone about how I felt. But I’m not sorry I love you, Maura Isles. Because I do. So much. I love you. I love everything about you, even your annoying chirpy morning facts that you spew at me before I have my coffee. I want you to know that I want this. I want you. I want us. I will tell everyone. I’ll tell everyone because you’re you and why the hell wouldn't I tell everyone?”

Before Maura could respond, Jane reached down and grabbed her hand, then turned to her mother.

“Ma. I love Maura. I’m in love with her. I want to date her. Now where’s your phone?”

“Jane-”

“No time, ma. Where’s your phone?”

Angela, confused, but still smiling, reached for her phone and handed it to Jane, who dialed a number and then put it on speaker.

“Frankie?”

“Jane? Why you callin’ from ma’s phone?”

“Frankie. I got a confession to make. I love Maura.”

“I know you do. We all know that.”

“No, like I love her, love her. I’m in love with her.”

“I know, Janie. Glad you finally got your head outta your ass long enough to realise it too.”

Jane hung up on him.

“God damn smart ass kid brother.”

As soon as she locked eyes with a grinning Maura though, Jane’s annoyance with him was instantly forgotten. She grinned back and pulled her into her arms.

“I love you, Maura Isles. I’ll rent out a blimp or get a billboard or send a memo to all of BPD. I will tell the world. I never want you to doubt it for one second, Maura. I love you. And me taking forever to get to this place had _nothing_ to do with you. Okay? It didn’t. That was me and my … my shit. I’m sorry.”

For once in her life, Maura didn’t know what to say. But she supposed there really wasn’t anything else she needed to say, other than…

“I love you too, Jane.”


End file.
